In the Aftermath

2011-11-06T15:24:00.000+08:00

You promised you would never leave. But where are you?

2011-11-06T15:05:00.001+08:00

2011-11-06T14:53:00.001+08:00

But I miss you so much. I miss you bad.

2011-11-06T00:28:00.000+08:00

Nobody wants to wait forever and nobody will be with you forever. You don't know how you are making me feel.

What does forever means to you?

I will blow my brain, I will blow my heart. I will blow every part of me that has you.

2011-11-05T02:56:00.004+08:00

So after 2 years and 4 months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much that it hurts
Never mistreated you once
I poured my heart out to you
Let down my guard swear to God
I'll blow my brains in your lap
Lay here and die in your arms
Drop to my knees and I'm pleading
I'm trying to stop you from leaving
You won't even listen
Tears stream down both of my cheeks
Then I let you just go and just give
And before I put that gun to my temple
I am telling that
I would have done anything for you
To show you how much I adored you
But it's over now
It's too late to save our love
Just promise me you'll think of me every time you look up in the sky and see a star

And I am so lost without you.

I promise you that I won't be making a mistake anymore. It is torturous to feel you toying with my emotions. I have got a hole in my heart and you punctured my lungs, taking my breath away. My body aches when I ain't with you;

I have zero strength

2011-10-15T19:08:00.002+08:00

Papa, I very long didn't see you already. Do you miss me like how I miss you? Papa, I envy my friend, she said she was nervous to see her parents tomorrow. I wonder when I would have that feeling. If I am given a chance to see you again, I would hug you very tightly and say, "I'll be alright". I know you're somewhere far away so I would talk to the moon every night to let you know how I get through each day. I know you miss me too, papa.

2011-10-14T14:22:00.001+08:00

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away." - Steve Jobs

2011-10-01T17:30:00.001+08:00

2011-10-01T16:02:00.007+08:00

Why do we find excuses to leave simply because ‘things are not working out’?

“Whether it’s taking each other for granted, or people changing over time, bottom line is when someone stops trying".

Strangers again.

If you're trying to break my heart, it's working. You said you needed a little time on your own but it's so sad that you used the time to have me replaced.

2011-09-25T22:12:00.000+08:00

Lucky to have you by my side. I assure you that I would be there for you like how you were there for me.

2011-09-04T09:18:00.003+08:00

Leaving this hell.

No wonder nothing works out. Even if I pawn my life for the trust I should have given you, it's not worth it because you are carrying a mountain of lies behind you. My instincts were never wrong but I am too stupid to choose to trust you. Thanks for coming in and make my life more complicated.

Don't make me angry and I will go to that kind of extreme that you had given me.

2011-08-28T23:00:00.001+08:00

I am here.

2011-08-19T22:48:00.003+08:00

是否很驚訝講不出說話
沒錯我是說你想分手嗎
曾給你馴服到就像綿羊
何解楔洢你一下你知嗎
回頭望伴你走從來未曾幸福過
赴過湯蹈過火沿途為何沒愛河
下半生陪住你懷疑快樂也不多
沒有心別再拖好心一早放開我
從頭努力也坎坷通通不要好過
來年歲月那麼多為繼續而繼續
沒有好處還是我若注定有一點苦楚
不如自己親手割破
是否不甘心首先給撇下
換了你是我你忍得到嗎
捱得過無限次寂寞凌遲
人心態早己看得化也可怕
從頭努力也坎坷通通不要好過
來年歲月那麼多為繼續而繼續
直接不過承認錯若勉強也分到不多
不如甚麼也摔破
難捱就無謂再拖好心一早放開我
從頭努力也坎坷通通不要好過
來年歲月那麼多為繼續而繼續
沒有好處還是我若注定有一點苦楚
不如自己親手割破

好心分手曲

2011-08-14T22:34:00.003+08:00

I worked so hard to keep you but nothing works out. Two months ago, we were still happily chatting over the phone, I miss the feeling so much. Five weeks ago, we might be quarreling over the phone and how I wish to see you. Right now, we are strangers again.

There are only tears and pain

2011-08-14T22:13:00.003+08:00

You think so? I don't think so anymore. I just want to let you know that I am not fine. Thanks for teaching me another lessons in life. I am not going to trust anyone anymore for you had taught me that even knowing you would be in tremendous pain the person who had said hundreds of thousand of I love you would lie. I would not trust in promise and I would not promise anyone anything anymore for you had taught me that even the person who had promise forever would leave and said, 'I am sorry'. Haven't you realized that you had just committed a sin? Haven't you realized that you had just killed someone who used to love you so much? The things that made this story so tragic was not whom the person that you had killed, but how cold-blooded you were to throw this love, trust and promises into the trash without second thought. You always learn to hold the things you want to say and you are always going to be afraid. I still don't know what had happened actually.

"I have no idea why I would even fall for someone who doesn't care about my existence." When there is no love, everything is nothing.

2011-08-12T20:32:00.003+08:00

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie

Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war, you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie

So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
Till the walls are goin' up
In smoke with all our memories

It's morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
Hush baby, speak softly, tell me you're awfully sorry
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night
So I can push you off me
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you, I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me
Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs
That we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky
Together, we move mountains, let's not make mountains out of molehills,
You hit me twice, yeah, but who's countin'?
I may have hit you three times, I'm startin' to lose count
But together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain
Our love is crazy, we're nuts, but I refused counsellin'
This house is too huge, if you move out I'll burn all two thousand
Square feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it
With you I'm in my fuckin' mind, without you, I'm out of it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie

Love the Way You Lie, Rihanna

2011-07-24T01:07:00.000+08:00

The day when you stop needing me . . . I don't know how.

记得爱一个人,
要了解,也要开解;
要道歉,也要道谢;
要认错,也要改错;
要体贴,也要体谅;
可以浪漫,但不要浪费;
可以随时牵手,但不要随便分手!
9th February 2010 10.28pm

2011-05-07T21:21:00.001+08:00

I just need you to tell me that I am wrong, that I shouldn't have been like that. Then I will know that everything would be alright as long as you're by my side and I will know that I shouldn't have care so much for people who don't even bother to look at things that are not worth to them. Let me just type the shit out instead of only getting so fucked up in my heart, alone.

Thank you. You think everything is over after you've said these words and you could just simply forget the shit that the person had done to help you? And sorry. You think everything you've done that hurt so much could simply be forgotten? Too bad, you might have not realized the trust that had been built from all your lies had just collapsed. Done with you, end of chapter and if you ever come again, things would be so different. JEALOUSY IS THE POISON.

2011-05-02T18:00:00.010+08:00

I burst into tears when I saw this : Harap Maaf, nama anda tiada dalam senarai calon yang layak ke Tingkatan Enam Bawah 2011
WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! My last hope had just gone like this??

2011-04-27T17:06:00.001+08:00

~~Form 6, imma coming! YEAHHHHHHHHHH!~~

GONE!

2011-03-09T16:16:00.000+08:00

I just want to have ~~one more day~~ forever with you

2011-02-23T21:57:00.004+08:00

From your valentine,

Even for a second, it has already forever 一生一世　

2011-02-23T15:53:00.003+08:00

The line on the ECG went to a straight line. Still fresh in my mind.

Ps. "Just when you think you've got all your ducks lined up in a row, something comes along to toss a wrench into the works." Poor ducklings, poor me.

2011-02-13T20:02:00.010+08:00

Leaving school. Hope everything would be fine throughout this week. Aries aries, hope you're on my side. And my lil aries goes like this :

"Someone once said that 'guilt is the only sin' and lately you have been carrying way too much on your shoulders. Now is the time to get shot of it and the same time you really must learn to voice your own opinions. Forget all the sad and bad bits- concentrate on the glad"

"Just when you think you've got all your ducks lined up in a row, something comes along to toss a wrench into the works. Luckily, you're in an excellent position to adapt and excel. Even if you're asked to pick up the pace considerably, you can turn this time challenge into an opportunity to impress. Streamline your tasks and focus only on the essentials, that way you'll be able to avoid distractions and make some speedy progress"

2011-02-13T10:25:00.004+08:00

Why do I miss you so much? I miss you more than I did before. I think about where you might be but I think I don't know, only god knows.

Don't do that.

2011-02-13T10:01:00.002+08:00

It is so hard to do it. What I want most of you, is to get close to you. But to push you away is just so hard. Heart wrenching pain. Let my spirit climb up to catch the most beautiful diamond that lit the sky for your valentine.

2011-02-05T19:26:00.002+08:00

735 days without you. Missing you.

Hello world!

2011-01-31T21:12:00.003+08:00

I hope you're listening to me, world. I AM STILL ALIVE WORLD! There's someone I have been missing. So I say to you, come home, my dear. Come back here, here to my heart. I have been waiting for you so long. I would fight for you, that's all I have ever known. So come home. Come back home to me. Everything I can't be is everything you should be. So come home and complete my life.

Oops!

2010-07-11T09:57:00.002+08:00

Oops!

It has been ages since I last update my bloggie here.
Well, it's not like what I wanted to it to be, that is, so dead like now.
I've been very busy, you know.

Fatigue.
(Yes, it is the word)

Hacked by,
Yee Vern the ♥

2010-02-02T21:27:00.002+08:00

365th day without you.

2009-12-30T10:46:00.005+08:00

They never happened when you make plans. Only got me excited. This is you, has always been you. This part of you, I never had the intention to adapt to it, so is the fear that has always been haunting you whenever I'm around and that with a sigh, I say, I'm sorry; which I lied when I promised to let it be.

Hackedddd

2009-12-29T15:08:00.004+08:00

Just got back from KL.

GOSH,
Going back to school soonnnnn.

SO SOOONNNNNNN

2009-11-24T23:41:00.002+08:00

Are you feeling lonely, pa? I am

HACKED, againnnnnnnnnnnnn

2009-11-23T00:32:00.003+08:00

Updating...
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.....
......
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Updated!!!!!

by,
your beloved YVTP ♥

NO, You're not a GENIUS

2009-11-17T11:15:00.009+08:00

Ms. Chan,

OHMYYYYYY.

Who gave you the permission to hack my account?

AAHHHAHHA.

But don't worry.

I'll hack you back in return.

LOL.

You think you're such a GENIUS to know my password?

Oh NO.

I figured yours first.

So who's the genius now?

HAHAHHA.

Best Friends For LIFE♥

HACKED

2009-10-28T13:16:00.005+08:00

HACKED!!

(OHMYGOD, Ms. Chan, your last post was like on the 14th of August(?).
Well, since you dont have the time to update,
I shall update for you as your bestest buddy. XD)

~~Having bio paper today.~~
Bio is over!

*DONE!

P.S.: Add oil! xoxo

By,

YVTP ♥

Sorry

2009-08-14T20:08:00.003+08:00

I shall never see you again. There never was anyone like you. I must have the madness in me to do so.

2009-08-06T21:06:00.006+08:00

2009-07-18T11:16:00.002+08:00

Sorry. You know I hate this word because it is written for you. Drown your fears with me, I'm feeling real sorry.

Back

2009-06-09T22:30:00.005+08:00

Tracing back his life, the life that was painted with words - 31 diaries. I did not touch the 20 years back because I knew, the answers are there. Now, I may not be brave enough, no, I shall say, 'I am not brave to force my nerve and sinew', to read the answers to myself. Perhaps, far too long from now. I drowned in every word, I absorbed every detail. I have read them and reread them. And so it has remained all the time. I wished that I could make you feel the influence he had on me. 'Better to have things unsaid; better to prevent another person from being unhappy'. Serenity, this was his favourite word - something he considered the highest.

131st day without you.

From the back

2009-04-26T16:46:00.005+08:00

Keep moving forward, but can't close the gaps, keep retreating but can't keep the memories out, I'm glad that I can trap myself, the light smell from you, can only meet me after it turns to become the wind, your vision eveporates to form the cloud, only when it falls as rain that I can get close, thankful that I can't stay in your eyes, because by doing so, I can hug your back view, using all my regrets to remember, the incomplete memories, thankful that I can't hug your back view, because by doing so, I can become your back view, hiding at a quiet corner, you don't have to turn back and look, you don't have to treasure it, the warm air around me, even after becoming the wind, it doesn't dare to meet you, my agony evaporates to form the clouds, even if it falls again as rain, it doesn't bear to fall on you, only when I become your back view, I don't mind.

Random! 99th days without you.

True?

2009-04-08T19:58:00.007+08:00

Whatever I do, I can't make you feel better. That's how easy you push me away. Up to you.
70th day without you.

你在哪里？

2009-04-01T22:03:00.006+08:00

我好空虚。我需要你，但你是不是在这里
62nd day without you.

Yes? No?

2009-03-29T16:08:00.002+08:00

Do you agree with me? 59th day without you.

I'm still

2009-03-28T15:29:00.012+08:00

Standing still, I'm still waiting for you. Tell me, can this really work? Everytime I close my eyes, hoping that the next second I could see you, but this never happen. I can feel you, I know you are by my side, but I want to see you, I want to touch your face and tell you that I miss you. I need you, my dear papa. I'm missing you. 58th day without you.

I wish but I'm sorry

2009-03-22T19:10:00.003+08:00

I wish that I could help you. I'm sorry. =( I wanted to but I can't. I am sorry.

52nd day without you.

Only for you

2009-03-13T19:01:00.011+08:00

For you from me

My little child, please don't mourn for me
I'm still here, though you don't see
I'm right by your side each night and day
And within your heart I long to stay
My body is gone but I'm always near
I'm everything you feel, see or hear
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
As long as you keep me alive in your heart
I'll never wander out of your sight
I'm the brightest star on a summer night
I'll never be beyond your reach
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach

I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around
And the pure white snow that blankets the ground
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond
And the clear cool water in a quiet pond
I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring
The first warm raindrop that April will bring
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine
And you'll see that the face in the moon is mine
When you start thinking there's no one to love you
You can talk to me through the God above you
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees
And you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze
I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face
Just look for me, my dear child, I'm everyplace!

I'll be waiting for you to share this little piece of cake with you, to see you wearing the jacket that I've bought for you. I'll wait till you come back. Happy Birthday, papa! iloveyou! The 43rd day without you.

Me to you, ily!

2009-03-07T20:18:00.015+08:00

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there's so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever, I want you to know

TELL ME YOU WON'T GIVE UP CAUSE I'LL BE WAITING IF YOU FALL, you know, I'll be there for you.

I know it's Save You, by Simple Plan. Let the silence speak for us. You can be my sister, you can be my friend, you can be my lover, you can be my mother, you can be anything to me, as long as we're together moving each step forward. I'll wait, till you be my leaves. I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile, of every single day of forever. I want to share everything in me with you even a drop of rain from the sky. Till the day. ily!

The 37th day without you.

Ps. Happy Birthday, my dear! =)

No why

2009-03-01T10:44:00.013+08:00

I stare at the piece of sky above me, locking my hand with each other and ask through the sunshine, "where are you? God, please tell me that he is just by my side." I ask again, "do you love me, God?" The answer "yes" came across my mind. Again I ask, "Is this how you love me?" Therefore, I remembered her words, "don't ask why and how, for there will never be an answer. Don't ask question which doesn't come with answer." In reality, there's no answer. But "will you answer my questions, God?" "My heart was shattered, my pain; unspoken, my soul in pieces, like glass that’s broken, the darkness and torment, used to haunt me at night, but will You mend them for me?" I've heard no answer and I assume that You agree. "I am grateful that I am here, I am grateful that You always shine on me. It ain't easy to go through all these but with You, guiding me from up there and having you in my heart, this is where I get my strength to take each step. And now, I know I should let go for there's no other way if I am determine to go on. I am sorry that I have troubled you, my dear friend. I say all these under the name of God. The 31st day without you.

God it Hurts
I said 'God it hurts'
and God said 'I know'
I said 'God I cry a lot'
and God said 'That's why I gave you tears'
I said 'God I get so depressed'
and God said 'That's why I gave you sunshine'
I said 'God I feel alone'
and God said 'That's why I gave you loved ones'
I said 'God my loved one is dead'
And God said 'I watched mine nailed to the cross'
I said God 'Where are they? '
and God said 'Mine is on my right and yours is in the light.
I said 'God it hurts'
and God said 'I know'

Is this how God loves me?

2009-02-28T20:10:00.015+08:00

I will listen to you. I will, I promise. Thank you, flo. I will escape myself from all these but definitely, I need your support. I don't know (as usual you don't like this phrase). Your desire to provide me with the usual life that I used to have with my dad, makes me feel his presence. Thank you, sis. I mean my words, I will change my life.

Ps. I take your words seriously. Take me with you if you're leaving. I don't care which edge that you are going to but I know it is safe and the only way to comfort me even living without roof.

The 30th day without you.

I'm still waiting

2009-02-27T22:12:00.001+08:00

The 29th day without you. I'm not dealing with it.

I'll wait

2009-02-21T18:49:00.027+08:00

I believe you'll always stay by my side. Your existence have make me to trust this LIFE.

Now, you want to be free, so I'm letting you fly. I hope you know how much I love you, more than anyone else, more than anything. Your desire to try my way of lifestyle made me realise that you are my best friend and my best companion, the best for me. I miss you a lot. Your warm smile that we used to greet each other, your jokes, your companion with me whenever you are home, those are the precious things that I will keep, deep in my soul. Whatever you do, you just want to see a smile on my face. You are so much different from others, you are the greatest father, you've never complain anything even the worst that you get from people so dear to you, and that's definitely what you don't deserve. I am very sure this is the reason why. HE loves you, HE knows that this world is too harsh for you. Yes, this world is too harsh for you, I don't care how they treated and going to treat you, you still have me and I am part of you, definitely. 'We have our own world, just the both of us', remember this? I know you are reading this somewhere in the universe, this promise between us will not shatter. Time will not erase this promise, a feeling this strong. I know OUR LOVE WILL NEVER DIE. Don't ever let them to interupt our world, because they don't comprehend things that only we both do. I believe you still exist there and this is the only way to get you. JUST THE BOTH OF US FOREVER. I love you, papa, as deep as eternity and it will never fade even after 100000000000 years. We will meet again, in heaven, one day. I don't know how long it may take, perhaps 10000 years, you will always be a part of me. I'll will wait till the day. You told me that I'm the only place that you can rest, be free and be happy, and this is the same thing that I wanted to tell you all this while. YOU ARE THE ONLY PLACE THAT I CAN GO, the only place that I can truly be myself, the only place that I trust the most with the best comfort from you. I ain't going to cry and I will not stand in your way if you are determine to leave. I love you, papa. I know you will be back to me. I'll linger on.

The 23rd day without you.

I beg you

2009-02-14T20:02:00.004+08:00

I beg you. I sincerely beg YOU. Stop taking people away. Please. I know it's YOU, you are the one who decide all these, you are the one who made us but why? What about their efforts, how much they have struggle, how much they have endure to come to life? I rather you to take me away. Do you get me? I rather you to take me away!!! If this is the only way to cure all these, if this is the only way, take me now! NOW!

WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT? Pain, this is very painful. Let me feel the emptiness, numb the hole in my chest. I can't endure the devastation any longer. I'm tired. TRAGIC

I'll let you go

2009-02-08T10:59:00.003+08:00

Go if you want to go. Leave if you want to leave. If the only way to keep you is to let you go, I'll let you go. The world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. I know it's very easy if you want to leave. But you have never want to, you just have to. This world has never been fair. Doing something that you never wanted and expected, it's just sucks. 'Everything happens for a reason'. Yes, the cause of your death is the obvious reason. But what is the reason of you leaving without telling? No one can answer, no one. What is left, a guessing game. A game that I need to guess to get my questions anwered and I doubt about it, so much. I don't even have the chance to say goodbye, I don't even have the chance to say thank you but you just leave. Seeing you lying on the bed that way, it's like a hole puncture through my chest. I'll do it for you, every promise, every words. I love you forever, papa!

What to do?

2009-02-08T10:56:00.001+08:00

My life is not going to be the same anymore. From the day you're gone, I know my world has turn the other way round. What can I do?

Yvern, catch me if I'm going to fall. I don't how long it may take and how much painful to see me pretending, perhaps it may take forever, I just want you to know, I don't want to continue the road ahead, alone.

Don't go

2009-01-30T00:31:00.001+08:00

Don't leave me.

Again.

2009-01-28T22:12:00.004+08:00

It rains again. It simply rains again. The Earth's perfume is what I jokingly call rain. The tapping sound of the rain drops is the music play by the Earth, my own idea, simply distract me from the obsession. This may be a little out of topic here but let me continue. We seemed to be connected in an odd way, I don't know. The idea of having your company, sort of relieving and tempting. It's kind of calming, whatever that I'm thinking, slowly digests through my body to let me feel the emptiness again. What is the recipe for these enzymes that help my thoughts digestion? I need it for the days to come. Random thoughts again.

A new year comes!

2009-01-28T19:58:00.006+08:00

That's on the first day. Those lion dance guys were sweating like the world has reach its end, a big explosion is going to happen. They were very loud too, you know 'super loud'. After all, it was sort of good work. =)

It ain't easy

2009-01-25T10:28:00.004+08:00

When the waters turn to rock, I'll forget both of you on that day.

Life’s but a walking shadow,
a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more; it is a tale
Told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

It ain't easy to let go.

Don't

2009-01-10T19:12:00.003+08:00

Listen to me. I need freedom from you. I grasp what you mean, you are right. Being polite, I admit, you have the right to know, but in the same way, I have my right to choose, whether to reject or accept your request. I promise, I will tell you when it is time. I will keep every single word. I'm sorry in a way that I'm being bad to you. Don't tell me that I'm bad enough for you in a good way. You always have the patience that I don't even have any. You are good enough for me in all ways. I will stay. Don't feel dejected, please. I promise, I will draw a big huge smile on your face again.

A blur dummy

2009-01-09T17:38:00.013+08:00

It's been a week long, school has reopen. As usual, my life has gone back to those schooling days that it used to be. Today, (9/01/09), I saw Crystal, finally. I miss her very very much, really. This made me to think about those kind of strange thing in life. When you have totally own something, you don't even bother whether it deos exist or not, but when you have lose it, you'll feel some kind of strange feeling, feeling like missing something that has been a habit for you, suddenly just disappear. After all, I think the quote 'appreciate what you have' is perfect for me, that's right, I guess. Well, I guess, it's fading away, the spastics family. It's kind of heartbraking to think about that, especially when they seem not to remember it anymore, when they actually try to have something for their own good. But, I swear, I promise, whatever it is, I will still look for it, this family, the joy, the fun that we had together. Still remember how long that we have actually waited to get the first family picture, I mean all the 12 of us. Still remember our spastics house? Our spastics song? Our spastics rows? and all of us? I just want to let everyone of you to know, we have this fate, the fate that needs so much effort and please appreciate it, remember it before you forget. All these are very fragile, don't let anything to shatter it. Listen to me, if there's anything that has offend one of you, or perhaps if there's thing that you don't like, please let me know. I don't want any of you to keep grudging, it would be better to confront, there's no harm. Please comprehend what I mean here.

All of you meant a lot to me.

All I can do is to help you silently, without your knowledge. This is me, Yunn Yee. Don't repeat your mistakes, do not do that. Don't let till when there's no more hope.

Happy New Year! =)

2009-01-01T09:50:00.002+08:00

1/1/2009, today, the very first day of the year 2009 and that's the end of year 2008. Goodbye and farewell 2008, goodbye, it had been a lot of memories, good and bad, even worst. I think it had been the best year since I don't really remember when. Thanks for all the memories, buddy and spastics family. I'm glad and proud that I had made it through and overcome all the outcomes. So, I guess, I know and understand what I should do throughout this new year. Happy New Year! to everyone! Enjoy life, because each second we get closer to the end.

Ooooo, got you!

2008-12-22T18:59:00.035+08:00

Today, 22/12/2008, I'm blogging again. Pheeeuu~~ I'm 'occupied', that's the reason why I didn't blog for a period of time. I worked with my father's friend, uncle lim, in his coffee shop. 2 hours for 20 bucks (the price is O.O), he's so lacking of workers, that's why I help out. See, I'm a very nice buddy! 我要过肥年! $.$ So after all, I just work 4 hours a day and if there's training in school, I just work for 2 hours.

Look what boredom brings!

I'm back

2008-12-15T19:00:00.002+08:00

Today, 15/12/2008, finally, I'm back. Gah, I'm extremely tired, 4 hours sleeping time for each day, imagine. Yes, I'm really tired. I'm currently lying down like a corpse, resting each individual part of my body and senses. It's like heaven when I finally have a chance to stare (daydream). This is actually the best way to rest your mind.

You know, it was really exhausting to travel a 56km journey to Wat Phra Phatom Chedi (which is the temple that I stay), Amphoe Muang Nakhon Pathom province, to the west, from the Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok, just by the second we landed. Wow, the temple is BIG, very big, with its 'stupa, pagoda' shaped like a gigantic bell which is about 120 metres in height, the tallest Buddhist monument in the world, perhaps. The chedi lies in the heart of the town, somewhat celebrating its 120th anniversary this year (really ancient). Even from far, I mean 15 minutes journey away from the temple, I can still see the large scale pagoda, I'm impress. Phra Phatom Chedi means 'The First Stupa', chedi means 'temple'. Moving closer to the chedi, there's a marble steps that lead you all the way up to the north 'vihara' (shrine) where the 'super duper hyper huge' standing Buddha situate. Before entering the shrine, there's a Phra Ruang Rodjanarith, an image of Buddha, bestowing pardon is enshrine in front of the north 'vihara'. Moving further in, there's a surrounding portico (there're numbers of Buddha statues in it) concentrating the central stupa and connecting the four 'vihara's' (each of the four points in the compass), with each concerning Buddha's birth enlightenment, the first preaching sermon, and Nirvana (death) (this are what I learned) and with Buddha 'rupas' in each. Each structures and images are all mainly connected to the Buddha. There's a Wat Phra Phatom Chedi Museum, located at a lower level in the east, while the National Museum is located in the south. For your information, I don't need to pay the admission fees while outsiders need to pay 30 baht per person. After visiting the chedi with master whom I used to call him uncle xu, a monk showed me to my room (a very small one) which located in the west of the chedi compound. After settling down, uncle xu brought me to a room, not too far away from mine to get my clothes (I mean robes that monk usually wears) and taught me the way to wear it. Apparently, it's very difficult to put on, which I took almost 45 minutes, to make it 'perfect'. The temple, you know, is always crowded with people, so wherever I go, there's always at least someone eyeing at me, but what can I do, after all I just have to smile. Hah! Imagine! Dinner is at 8pm sharp, after chanting (it's kind of late for me but never mind). Chanting is require twice per day which is in the morning and evening each while the afternoon session is optional.

The morning came the next day, obviously time is passing at high speed, I woke up at 4 in the morning to bath, to put on my robes (which I took more time than I suppose) and chant. It's breakfast time. Rice for all the 3 meals. I have my lessons then in a quite-open classroom, ready with tables and chairs, mostly we learned about different type of sutras for 4 hours. The fun moments is the afternoon. Uncle xu brought me to the Don Wai market, some people calls this a floating market, however, honestly speaking, it is a market on the banks of the river. This is a 'wow', full of local source of good foods especially the boiled ducks and snacks. We went to the Wat Rai Khing, a temple, and we spent most of our time in both places. The night market (in the area of the chedi) is really fascinating, with many stalls selling FOOD. I ate their well-known Khao-Lam (sticky rice with coconut milk in bamboo), tasted very fine. Most of my visit is to temple like Wat Sisathong, Wat Phra Wayn, Neun Dhama Sala, Neun Wat Phra Ngam, Phra Padhone Chedi and a lot more that I don't really remember.

My grandpa has discharge from the hospital under his own request. This doesn't sounds good for his health. After all, it's up to him. I'm very glad that I still have the chance to see him, so I'm gonna spend most of my time with him. Whatever happen to him, I think is good for him. God bless you, ye ye! =)

Good news and bad news, which do you prefer to read first?

2008-12-09T11:08:00.004+08:00

Today, 9/12/2008, I have a good news and a bad news too. So, which do you prefer to read first? Gah, I think you don't even bother about all this. So, being normal, I would let you know about the good news first. Actually, good news are not really a good one at all, but the bad one is really a bad one.

Good news: I'll be going to Thailand on the 11/12. I'll be flying at 3am.

Bad news: I'll be coming back on the 14/12. My lessons in Thailand have been shortened. My master has to attend a ceremony in Titiwangsa. As for me, my grandpa had admitted into ICU in the Ipoh Specialist hospital because of a blockage in his trachea and being honest, he has no much time left. The reason why my lessons in Thailand have been shortened is all mainly because of my grandpa's condition. So mom, after all, I just feel this is not the right time to go but since everything is ready, then I'll just listen to you. =( Thing happen when you really believe in it. =(

A long long week.

2008-12-07T00:00:00.011+08:00

Thursday, 4/12/2008, I went out with Crystal, Yee Vern, Emilyn and Leng. We went to watch Bolt and I saw Charlene and Manju. Pheeuu~~ It's been really long I didn't meet them, since the last time I met them, which I forgotten when. This is not a coincidence right, this is fate, I guess.

Can anyone talk to me please? Is there anyone that I can talk to? If there's, please be quick! Sooner boredom will dries up my blood.

Is it time now? Is it time to meet this long-lost buddy again? I have been waiting but I didn't expect. I think it has been 2 years I have not meet her, contact her or even hear about her. Well, honestly, this bud is a good companion, a good adviser, good in cooking but a strict human. This bud is elder than me by 1850 days. What actually happen? What actually draws us apart, I mean the gap in between our friendship? What? What would happen next? The most possible cause: limitation of time, I got to study, she has to study too, I have homework, she has too, but if she is posted, she has to work in shifts. I understand that she is extremely tired for all this. That's why I never contacted her and I'm sure she thinks the same way too. She's always at ske temple every Sunday at 9.30am for puja lesson. But I never intended and have any desire to go there. You know why, it's because I thought that this bud of mine has forgotten me. Because for me in this matter, I will just let bygones be bygones, things that had been forgotten then I'll let it fade away, rather than wasting time to be reminded about me. But I said I didn't expect, this is so unreal. There's no human in this world who will never expect even over a small matter. Yes, I admit I expect, but it is just a little expectations. A couple of days ago, she phoned me. I didn't say much thing, I guess I speak not more than 50 words, most of the time I just kept quiet. Feeling not like it used to be, not familiar, that I don't recognize her, when we talk through the phone. She added me on Facebook and I don't even realize it. I read her profile and her notes, a person who looks so tough from the first sight but I never knew that it is the other way round inside this buddy.

Well, whether you read this or not, as a younger buddy, I would advice you that 'time will heal your wounds'. Trouble passes. What has caused you to burst into tears will soon be forgotten. You may remember that you cried but not why you did so. As we grow up and go through life, we are often surprised at how we lie awake at night brooding over something that has upset us during the day, letting the same thoughts run through our minds concerning 'how to get back'. Sooner, you will be surprised to realise what a waste of time and energy it had all been. Whatever your troubles are and however aggrieved you may feel, just let it go, suan le. Life is like a motion picture in which everything is constantly moving and changing, nothing in this world is permanent and still. You told me to try to adapt to the surroundings, if can't, just leave it behind. 'The unhappy person is the one who leaves undone what they can do and start doing what they don't understand, no wonder they come to grief'. I return these words to you. Take care. =)

Tagged by Yvern.

2008-12-05T13:34:00.010+08:00

Write ten things other people do that you absolutely cannot stand, then tag your friends and get them to feel guilty if they do anything you listed down.

1. When people ask me to 'shut up'. Well, to those people, let me tell you, I'm a human, you're a human, we're all human, all the same type. Like I said the same type, meaning that I have my right and you too, have your own right, to voice out my opinion, to do whatever that I wish to do as long as it is harmless to this world, to make my own decision, to express my dissatisfaction, displease and disappoinment, towards either you or the whole world.

2. When people backstab, either me or people around me. This is an act of attacking people unfairly in an underhand and deceitful manner. What? Are you afraid of me? Why can't we just face-to-face and negotiate it? You trying to turn a big round and cover up your mistakes? Or you trying to wash people's mind? Hey, hey, let me tell you, both of them do not work at all. You just don't have the guts, I guess.

3. When people do not keep their words. You promise me. Tell me, what is a promise? It is a declaration assuring that one will or will not do something, IT IS A VOW. I asked you this question before and you answered me 'it is something that assure people' then what is this now? You forgotten, forgot all the promises that you have made?

4. When people lie to me. Small lies, something like jokes and lies that can bring benefit, I totally can accept it. But you are lying to commit an unforgivable mistake, what do you think, what do you expect, what if you're the one being lied, what would you feel, what kind of decision will you make and will you accept it?

5. People who get jealous and being affected by others easily.

6. People who keep saying 'sorry'. Okay now, you want to apologise right, I get it. Just tell me once is more than enough. I need to feel your sincerity, and by repeating it do not work at all. After all, I just need time.

7. People who practise discrimination by not giving the same treatment and consideration. Any type of discriminations, I just hate it.

8. People who keep comparing. Come on, do you think that you are perfect? Just look at yourself in the mirror. Please mind your own business.

9. People who are rude to me. Don't blame me if I return the same treatment to you.

10. People who like to turn small problem into big and complicated one.

Tagged by Yvern and Kaysha

2008-12-01T19:37:00.009+08:00

Do you consider yourself weird or crazy? [pick one only, and don't say neither]
-I pick crazy =)

Who do you think the teddy bear was named after?
-If not mistaken, 'some' President of United States. (hey, hey, yvern, that's definately wrong, if I'm the one, it should sounds like this 'Ayma Dommy', read it properly, it is 'Ayma Dommy'. (I'm a dummy).

Do you like mint?
-No, not at all. But once I eat Mentos and I got addicted to it, I'll finish it all at once.

Are you sexually confused?
-No.

Are you claustrophobic?
-Sometimes.

Are you afraid of heights?
-When I'm sitting on a ferris wheel. Even the small type, freaks me out a lot. ps-I'm not afraid of height but ferris wheel. It's a phobia.

Would you rather bungee jump or parachute if you had one last chance to do something adventurous before you die?
-I choose parachute. Or maybe both if you don't mind.

Are you intending to join the Amazing Race?
-Yes, of course! Wow!

Do you think you sing well?
-No idea.

Do you like anyone? [crush]
-Yes, of course, omg!

Are you a loner?
-Sometimes, when things get bad and when I really miss someone. I'll just stare, stare at something with a blank mind, I think this is the best solution, for not making it worse.

Do you think branded things are over-rated?
-No, I don't think they are, but sometimes, you know.

Are you constantly talking to yourself?
-Yes, I talk to myself but it's not constant. Just a few times.

Do you think you are likely to get dementia at old age?
-Yeah, maybe, who knows.

Use 10 words to describe you.
-I gotta work hard on it, becoming a pilot is my wish.

If the person you like asked you out, would you tell the whole world?
-No, I'll tell them, only if they ask.

Do you cross-dress?
-No, never.

Are you into magazines?
-Nah, magazines. No idea.

Do you read a lot?
-No, I watch a lot.

Are you an atheist?
- No, I think I believe Him.

Do you listen to classical music?
-Sometimes. But I listen to opera more often.

Do you consider yourself more to hip hop, pop or rock? [choose only one]
-No idea.

Are you hard-headed?
-Yes. But I do what, that is possible.

Do you like movies?
-Yeah!

Do you like the tv?
-Absolutely.

Do you like the computer?
-I think so.

Do you think Yoda is cool?
-No idea.

Are you fond of cosplaying?
-Not at all.

Do you hate rap?
-Yes, sometimes.

Do you wear specs?
-Sometimes

Do you wear polka-dotted undies?
-Why are you asking me this? Haha.

Are you interested in politics?
-Malaysia's politics, no way, not my type.

Are you a man of many words, or a man of few words?
-Gotta ask my mood.

Are you good at small talk?
-Yes, it's my profession.

Will you grow up to be a fine man?
-Who knows. I guess so.

And finally, drumrolllssss for the final question.
How do you feel after completing this dumbass surv?
- Argh, it get my mood worse.

Now, tag the ones who shall be doomed, let my randomness rule the earth!!! [let this spread and spread and spread till it reaches china]

I tag: Anyone.

I feel good!

2008-11-27T17:35:00.004+08:00

Today, 27/11/2008, I'm feeling good today, feel good to see my buddies, I think it has been about 3 weeks time we didn't meet up. Well, we planned to meet at Equatorial Hotel at 9pm to have breakfast there and the most important thing is today is Kylie's birthday. YOU KNOW WHAT, I woke up at 8.30am and I thought I'll be so damn late that it made me to rush to the bus station but thank god, I reach there at 9am sharp. The bus that I took today was the 'panorama bus' and it just took me about 15 minutes to reach there from my place. When I got down from the bus, I saw none of them was there and I feel glad that I thought I'm the earliest among them to reach there. But, badly, it turned out to be the other way round. I'm the latest. Buddy, I'm sorry to be late, I know you don't mind but I'm feeling a little bit of shy and as you know, I have provide my own transport whenever I hang with my buddy. The breakfast there was technically great, you know, since I have not taken my breakfast. That's how I rushed all the way to Equatorial. After all, I was so fascinated by Kylie's birthday presents. I have no idea of what the content may be, but they were in large numbers. Wow! Later, we went to Dataran Pahlawan's Gsc to collect tickets and there we saw a huge Bolt's something like a squirrel, but well, anyways, I don't know what is that. Kaysha and I were not sure of what to buy for Kylie since we're the 'special ones' that we have not bought anything for her, but at last, we treated her for the tickets, a sweet corns and a bottle of apple juice. We waited outside the cineplex for about 15 minutes since there were no other places to go and we head off. Wow, we were the earliest, the earliest to enter the cineplex, all the way, for Twilight. Without any disappointment from the movie, oh god, robert pattinson was ... But well, I know there might be millions, or maybe billions of people that would say robert pattinson is 'hot' 'cool' 'I love him' or this and that. So, after all, satisfications came to my mind. Tell you what, after the movie, we rush to the toilet as fast that we can, well, not that obvious, I think. I've been enduring it since the half way of the movie. Oh god, this is ... But anyways, it is endurable. All of us went back at 3.30pm, but as for me and Kaysha that we have to manage our own transport, so I accompanied her to her mom's office. That's for today! ps: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KYLIE! I'll get you something very soon!

That it is

2008-11-26T21:30:00.006+08:00

Today, 26/11/2008, again, I'm feeling a little bit pissed off, feeling a little bit of guilty, feeling a little bit of disppointed and feeling a little bit of heat on my forehead (it is fever, that's the effect). To my buddy, 'I'm sorry, to make you feel uneasy, because of my intention to make it clear'. I think, I understand, it is better to be silent, and be thought a fool, rather than to speak and remove all doubt. I often regret that I have spoken, never that I have been silent. Hide it away, keep it in silence, because I believe it is something as deep as eternity, that someday there'll be someone who would listen to the silence in me and all the answers are there. This not an expectation, not hope, but a belief. Have you ever, have you ever feel this way, when there's something that you want to tell, but even till the day you die, you can't tell, not even the person beside you, not anyone? Have you ever feel being solitude, being lonely? Have you ever feel, when people leave you, people who are so close to your heart? Do you know, to the loneliness itself, it wears a mask, a mask that will cover up all your pains? All these feelings, all these memories, grieves me a lot. But there's always a person who will tell me, 'hang in there, spastic!' 'hold on' 'you gotta hold on whatever it is' 'hope for the best' 'believe in what you believe'. I'm glad and with that, I keep going, keep walking step by step along the path, wearing the mask and feel like nothing, though sometimes I feel like I'm going backward whenever I step forward. That's me. It happened. Nobody knows but just the friend, where I can take out my mask and feel free. Sometimes we ignore each other, but that's the way we are. Florence told me, 'if friends get too close to each other, their friendship will break more easily' and sometimes I believe it. That's it. No why, for there's no answer.

Come on, what's going on!

2008-11-25T17:44:00.006+08:00

Today, 25/11/2008, I'm feeling really pissed off. I woke up early in the morning, about 5am, thinking that today should be alright. I went downstairs, head to the kitchen, to have some breakfast. This is weird. I don't take breakfast early in the morning. I usually take it at noon because breakfast is my lunch and lunch is my breakfast. But still, I took it. I ate an egg sandwich, a simple one, just egg and bread. I almost finish it until I rush into the toilet and vomit it out. Gah... What's wrong?! I felt a little bit scared, thinking something bad is going to happen, 'what's that going to be?', 'again?', 'I thought it is alright now?' and did what the doctor told me if I vomit, I remember each of his words and did it with patience. I picked one of the catridges from the fridge, needle, cotton balls, a mini bottle of alcohol from a box where I keep it in my cupboard. I rubbed my left arm with a cotton ball soaked in alcohol. Then I jab the needle into the catridge, to get the liquid get sucked out, into the syringe. Doctor said, 'think of something before you do it'. As I pointed the needle to my arm, I'm afraid, it's like disgusting and I totally don't have the bravery to do it, though this is not the first time. This is the second I do it myself. Usually when I need it, my mom will offer me a helping hand and while doing it she will tell me something about herself and grandma. But it's quite long ago, already a period of time I don't need this, meaning that it really freaks me out this time. Well, think of something. Nothing gets into my mind, but only about the past, about how I failed to change her mind and let her be the way she is. Feeling a little bit of regret and disappoint, not because for not caring about her anymore and just let her be, but because she can't be helped. Then I pushed the plunger. It hurts, it really does. I pull out the needle and press the cotton on my arm. A little bit of blood draw out. It pains me. My mind continues to think, until the day she realize it, will it be too late for her? People often say, 'it's never too late'. Is it true? I don't believe in it and I never did. How can I let all this to happen in front of my eyes? But what can I do? But the conclusion is she can't be helped. You do not hold on to yours words at all. Why do I care? It's because you are my friend, you are someone who has steps into my path, that's why I care. Think about your parents. Give all yours to them while you still have the chance. "The unhappy person is the one who leaves undone of what they can do and start doing what they don't understand, no wonder they come to grief." I told someone that we live for happiness but, we don't, I realize it now. But as long as we don't grief and get depressed, at least things won't get down so easily, isn't it? What is happiness? Why do we need that feeling to feel good? After all, it is just a feeling that cover up some part of us, weak point? I guess so. Why people choose to be happy rather than sad? But, honestly, are they happy? There's no way to get rid of it, I mean the dark part of us, our mistakes, but hide it away from people. They said, "forget about it", "look from the bright side", is it that easy to forget and what if there's no bright side. Thinking of them, thinking of all these, hurt me a lot. I know you don't think that I'm trying but I have give it my all. All I can do is just hide it away and pretend to feel like nothing, just for the sake to hold on.

Surprise!

2008-11-24T17:45:00.003+08:00

Saturday, 22/11/2008. This day was a day full of pleasures! At first, I didn't know whose wedding that I am attending and didn't want to care about it. Then, I asked my mom and she gave me a wicked smile, as usual, saying it was my cousin's (so called my sister) wedding. I felt so happy for her that she found her beloved one for now and forever. We are very close to each other. I remember when I was younger, she used to buy me sweets and chocolates whenever I came to visit her. What surprised me on that day was, when I reached her house on Friday, 21/11/2008. Though she was extremely busy to prepare for her wedding, but still she kept some time to make puddings and tarts for me. That night, we spent most of our time chatting about her guy. Wow! It's all about photography. Aww, that's how romantic they are. Alright, that's all for how they started. As for the worst thing, we slept at 3am and the following day was her big day. Friends, don't be surprised! I went to set my hair and I wore a dress that I bought in Pavillion two weeks ago, to attend her wedding dinner at night. It was held at Shangri-La Hotel. Wow, to my surprise, it was awesome, fabulous, gorgeous! Me and my family sat right front, near the stage. Just when it get started, the couple came in. And this was the moment that freaked me out and at the same time made me felt proud with pleasures. The bride (my cousin, so called sister), went up to the stage without her beloved's knowledge, and announced it loudly, 'The girl who looks like an actress, (pointed at me), please come and sit by my side.' That moment was like oh, man! what is going on. Then, she came and brought me to my seat. I'm blanked, so blanked at that time. My mind was thinking, actress? aww, that's a little bit ehmm. But it was so fun during that night, though it was a formal dinner. We took lots of pictures together. Hehe. They are with the photographer. Time, at that moment, past like the wind. Well, it ended at 11pm. The next day, Sunday, 23/11/2008, we had buffet at their new house. My cousin, came to me, and said it was a surprise for me! 'Jie, it was really a big surprise'.

Danger, danger!

2008-11-21T12:38:00.001+08:00

It was a warning. A warning from the spirits. DO NOT ONLINE AFTER 2AM. It was the Tuesday (18/11/08) night. No one was home with me except the little monster. My parents had to attend a dinner in kl. So all the while, I took care of the little monster like how mom did. Ehmmm ehmm! At 12, I went into my room as he had dozed off. As it was already midnight, I tried to count the sheeps so that I will have a wonderful dream about my farm espscially my chicken but I CAN'T. I think it was because I drank two cups of coffee during that afternoon. Talk about coffee, one cup of coffee doesn't satisfy me at all, because of my addiction to the caffeine, I usually take two cups. Don't be afraid as I'm not afraid of it at all, coffee is my everything. It keeps me awake as I don't like to sleep more than 5 hours. For me, sleeping is just a rest that keeps us go further. When it happens that I sleep at 9pm, that means I have a special mission in the following morning which is to study. Well, let's continue before I go further down about coffee. As I was awake that night and had nothing to do, I went online and watched a movie on my laptop. At 3.30pm, something strange happened. As you know, the arrow in the screen would not move if there's no one touching it. And me with my hands on the table, saw that arrow in the screen moved from one end to another and go round and round until it reached the search box, then it clicked on. I felt really creepy that it made me to switch off my laptop as fast as possible and went to sleep with my head covered with my blanket. The next morning, I woke up with headache. Aaah, it must because of the strange thing. I told my mom about this. She smiled at me, a wicked smile, saying it was his birthday yesterday. I asked who, but she did not replied me. It made me think that as if I'm immature to know him. Yeah, better not!