Come on, what's going on!

Today, 25/11/2008, I'm feeling really pissed off. I woke up early in the morning, about 5am, thinking that today should be alright. I went downstairs, head to the kitchen, to have some breakfast. This is weird. I don't take breakfast early in the morning. I usually take it at noon because breakfast is my lunch and lunch is my breakfast. But still, I took it. I ate an egg sandwich, a simple one, just egg and bread. I almost finish it until I rush into the toilet and vomit it out. Gah... What's wrong?! I felt a little bit scared, thinking something bad is going to happen, 'what's that going to be?', 'again?', 'I thought it is alright now?' and did what the doctor told me if I vomit, I remember each of his words and did it with patience. I picked one of the catridges from the fridge, needle, cotton balls, a mini bottle of alcohol from a box where I keep it in my cupboard. I rubbed my left arm with a cotton ball soaked in alcohol. Then I jab the needle into the catridge, to get the liquid get sucked out, into the syringe. Doctor said, 'think of something before you do it'. As I pointed the needle to my arm, I'm afraid, it's like disgusting and I totally don't have the bravery to do it, though this is not the first time. This is the second I do it myself. Usually when I need it, my mom will offer me a helping hand and while doing it she will tell me something about herself and grandma. But it's quite long ago, already a period of time I don't need this, meaning that it really freaks me out this time. Well, think of something. Nothing gets into my mind, but only about the past, about how I failed to change her mind and let her be the way she is. Feeling a little bit of regret and disappoint, not because for not caring about her anymore and just let her be, but because she can't be helped. Then I pushed the plunger. It hurts, it really does. I pull out the needle and press the cotton on my arm. A little bit of blood draw out. It pains me. My mind continues to think, until the day she realize it, will it be too late for her? People often say, 'it's never too late'. Is it true? I don't believe in it and I never did. How can I let all this to happen in front of my eyes? But what can I do? But the conclusion is she can't be helped. You do not hold on to yours words at all. Why do I care? It's because you are my friend, you are someone who has steps into my path, that's why I care. Think about your parents. Give all yours to them while you still have the chance. "The unhappy person is the one who leaves undone of what they can do and start doing what they don't understand, no wonder they come to grief." I told someone that we live for happiness but, we don't, I realize it now. But as long as we don't grief and get depressed, at least things won't get down so easily, isn't it? What is happiness? Why do we need that feeling to feel good? After all, it is just a feeling that cover up some part of us, weak point? I guess so. Why people choose to be happy rather than sad? But, honestly, are they happy? There's no way to get rid of it, I mean the dark part of us, our mistakes, but hide it away from people. They said, "forget about it", "look from the bright side", is it that easy to forget and what if there's no bright side. Thinking of them, thinking of all these, hurt me a lot. I know you don't think that I'm trying but I have give it my all. All I can do is just hide it away and pretend to feel like nothing, just for the sake to hold on.